The drama. The bodyguards. The babes. The reality-defying plot twists.

All the finest ingredients combine and then explode in a cloud of jealousy and betrayal every weekday at 2 p.m., when Azteca 13 broadcasts this compelling train-wreck of a telenovela, Amor en Custodia (Love in Custody). It’s so bad, so melodramatic, and so cheesy as to make for absolutely gripping television.

The plot is so complicated that the other day I spent a few hours with my pal Rosee diagramming just exactly what is happening. The results are in this excellent flow chart, which you will have to zoom in on.

That was just over a week ago, but already the story has taken so many twists as to be nearly unrecognizable. Sure, Barbara is still in love with the boxer dude, but turns out she’s not pregnant after all, and in any event, that was before he crashed his car into the other man in the love triangle, and long before Tatiana actually bribed the doctor into telling Pacheco that it was his baby and not that of some functionary character she hooked up with in Switzerland. And way before she was thrown in the insane asylum and her baby plot was discovered by her father, who is actually her uncle.

Take a deep breath.

While the plot twists are famously complex, there are a few things that don’t change. All the characters appear to live together in one big house. Everyone is filthy rich. Basically all the guys are bodyguards, though it isn’t clear just why their clients need such protection (though perhaps living in Mexico City is enough). Consequently, we see more guns and allusions to violence in this one than in your average soap opera.

Another thing that sets this soap apart: time warps. We’ve seen two six-month jumps in the last few months alone, but, thank God, no corresponding uptick in the maturity level of the characters. Also, the female characters have the remarkable talent of reducing the normally mandatory nine-month period for gestating a baby down to a more reasonable three or four weeks.

Who cares? Mexicans do. Soap operas are a big freakin deal here. They’re not just for bored housewives and retired grandmothers. Amor en Custodia is relegated to 2 p.m. (not such a bad timeslot in a country with a 2-4 p.m. lunchbreak) only because it is actually a rerun. First run novelas get prime time slots, and are played on the television sets at such bastions of youth and family as my favorite burger joint in Zamora.

But enough talk. First, check out the diagram. Then, take a look at this exerpt from You Tube just to get the (cheesy) flavor. You’ll be shocked. You’ll be horrified. And just like a car accident post-mortem, you’ll want to keep watching.