Time to get hip to the third wave times.

So there I was, back in college, when several of my liberal and progressive female friends dressed up as prostitutes and danced a jaw-dropping little number with an excerpt of the Moulin Rouge soundtrack blaring in the background.

Truly, feminism died that night, I told one of my friends later.

Not so, she responded. Today’s young feminists (who often don’t even call themselves as such) actually can be empowered by doing the kinds of overtly sexual and “overly feminine” things that the feminists of the 60s and Susan B. Anthony would have frowned on. 

This is one of the many tenants of third wave feminism. Those of you with some time to kill can read more. But if you want the jist of it, it’s this: Feminism, but a bit more light-hearted and, in a weird way, traditionalist, with less armpit hair. 

But why should the women have all the fun reinventing themselves? That’s why I’ve compiled the following guidelines for being a hip, modern, third-wave masculinist. Enjoy.

1.) It’s okay to enjoy James Bond, The Terminator, and other guy movies. It’s also okay to not enjoy anything that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan put to the silver screen.

2.) If the bathroom sink drain clogs up, you should know how to fix it without calling a plumber, and preferably without pouring toxic solvents down the drain. Why? Because you’re a man. Get used to it. Learn how to cook too.

3.) Peeing is best done outside, but if it must be done inside, standing up.

4.) It’s not okay to buy a Hummer, because it’s not okay to flagrantly destroy the environment, but it is okay to fantasize about how cool it would be to drive one around.

5.) Heading out to a bar with other guys to talk about women and power tools is fun and doesn’t mean you don’t respect women any more than it means you don’t respect power tools. 

6.) Opening doors for women is fine, but put the toilet seat down on a case by case basis.

7.) When a woman asks you to hold her purse, do it, but carry it from the bottom or grab onto the top, rather than slinging it over your shoulder like they do.

8.) It’s possible to respect their right to vote while also killing spiders when called upon.

9.) If you find going to the garage to brood more helpful than sharing your feelings with others, that’s fine.

10.) When enjoyed responsibly in a safe, non-alcoholic environment, firearms are cool. 

Feel free to add your own guidelines in the comments section.